This point seems to be lost on many of us.
The rest of us? The rest, who have NOT drank the Jim Jones Juice and gotten on that lord of the flies “let me virtue signal 24/7 or bash my neighbors constantly” belligerent high horse shit, are watching in horror.
Some have chosen to look away. Some have given up. Some hide behind a smile but pray for death. Some feel their future has been stolen and their life has no meaning, but a shred of hope keeps them breathing.
They aren’t wrong- their future, whatever they had planned, was stolen and destroyed. But sometimes there are bigger plans than our own, for we often lack magnitude of vision for ourselves. Some forces in the world have plans for us too, sinister beyond words.
But some forces out in this universe, call it destiny, fate, energy, universe, god, whatever, have plans too. And these are not sinister, although the trials by fire damn sure feel like it. I don’t claim to know whether or not everything is governed by fate, free will, or a combination thereof. I grapple with that question a lot. I don’t know if I’ll ever have an answer…
But when I was a heroin addict whose only dream was working on a fucking poppy plant or finding some way to make sure I could have drugs 24/7 and never run out, I never had a plan for my life beyond that. I saw NOTHING. Never did I see that I’d be making music, helping others get clean, talking people through trauma or suicidal places, overcoming my own trauma and suicidal urges, being a completely sober fully functioning musician, writer, budding entrepreneur, a covertly asshole waitress who manages to smile and thank people instead of stabbing asshole customers in the neck with a steak knife, one who reads tarot and astrology charts for people for hours on end, who loves diving into someones life and mind to learn them and be of service, I didn’t see that coming.
I do not have children. That will not be my legacy. The songs I write, the words I write, the way I speak, the way I am able to help others, that is my legacy. I intend on leaving life like a deflated balloon, giving EVERYTHING. I didn’t survive suicide attempts, heroin addiction, (and a whole host of other gnarly shit that we can save for another entry) for no reason.
I did it to alchemize that pain and experience to use it to be of service to someone else. And that is exactly what the fuck I will do. I don’t care what platform tries to censor me because I talk about “certain things” that you arent supposed to talk about, I’ll keep moving around. I’ll be here, I’ll be on patreon, we’ll figure it out as we go. Like a roach running when the lights cut on, I’ll stay in the race to keep my fucking first amendment intact, let alone the rest of them.
So back to the whole us needing to know that we aren’t each others enemy thing. My god is that hard sometimes. My god does that feel IMPOSSIBLE sometimes. It is the truth though. We’ve just been pinned against each other and played like pawns in this matrix for so long…. That it feels impossible to untangle the webs around our eyes and see each other for who we really are… reflections of ourselves. Everyone wants to be loved and give love. That is the TRUTH of our nature, and when it is obstructed or suppressed, it is the root of all suffering.
This blog is weird. Fuck with it if you want to. I’ll get better at being more direct but at the same time fuck it. It is what it is. Next entry, we’re getting into the New World Order, kay? Time to go to bed now, gotta report to my matrix job tomorrow. Gotta figure out some music shit beforehand too… shooting two music videos next week and also working on a dope collab with a pretty cool artist. Lots going on. Need to drop some new merch too. Sheeeeit.
Pic taken by Lance Allen Reis (IG: @kickassdesigns)