It doesn’t mean being a self-centered person, It means getting out of survival mode and into a space where we are thriving and effectively showing up for others. After all, we can’t transmit something we don’t have. So I’ll phrase it differently: how do you fill your inner well?
I woke up in a frenzy today. Had missed an early morning appointment. I’ve been having sleep issues for years and I won’t get into why in this post, but the “theme” of having health issues that have dominated my life for nearly a decade- making “normal functioning” in life feel like trying to run a marathon through molasses- I can get down on myself REAL quick if I “mess up” or any of those issues come back. Shame kicks in, lack mentality kicks in and projects everywhere (most people can relate to that on some level, especially with finances), I just moved to a new city across the country where I don’t know anyone, and I most definitely still haven’t processed the recent deaths of three friends and my former fiancé that I spent half my life with. So things that seem little to other people can trigger a mental storm inside your mind when you aren’t in a state of balance.
All things considered though, I’d say since I got the fuck out of Oregon I’ve been doing pretty damn well. I’ve been creating and taking advantage of opportunities here in Nashville every day, I’ve been hustling my ass off making money in different ways, I’m about to leave for FloteFest in Texas in two days which will be an incredible experience, but I started to notice my mind scatter and about a day or two ago, and this morning it all amplified after my brain literally slept through the sound of a screeching alarm and I missed an appointment (that happened to be health related) that I had been waiting on for a while. Doesn’t sound like a big deal, but when you’ve been struggling to get back to feeling like yourself for 8 years and seem to “fail” at simple shit, it wares on you. That’s as far as I’m going to talk about myself or my health issues, as an entire book could be written about that, and I want to be solution focused here.
So why the fuck am I writing this? We all live in a really fast, crazy world. Whether you’re locked into a routine and your whole life is your 9-5 and then Netflix at the end of the night, that sounds awful honestly but you probably have the most stability, just the least amount of freedom, (funny how it works that way in the 3D) Then there’s everyone else who either don’t work, gig work, work for themselves, are in school, work but are all over the place, or maybe you live in a place like Shanghai where you’re welded inside an apartment for having flu-like symptoms (or none at all) and have been for weeks, you’re starving and losing your mind, but the world is more concerned about the halting of international trade at your ports than they are about the countless amount of people in your situation. Welcome to humanity- most people don’t give a fuck about anything unless it directly affects them- we are programmed consumers and hypnotized by a weaponized propaganda machine (media) that tells us what to care about and how to perceive it. BUT THERE IS BETTER NEWS! Just not so sure about for you if you’re in Shanghai, but if you are I doubt you’re reading this.
There is a shit ton of people who are NOT PART OF THAT AND EXITING THE FUCKING MATRIX. This is why my first thought today, after I noticed the wave of shame and financial fears and fears about what I’m doing in the world, the racing onslaught of thoughts of “how am I supposed to do this that and the third”, feeling pulled in 20 different directions, all on top of a heaping pile of grief that I have no idea when will burst, was not “fuck it” or “lets just drive faster into this” — my first thought was, “Okay, I need to get QUIET.”
I need to slow down and show up for myself. I need silence. No phone, no computer, no calls, no texts, no talking, no podcasts, no voices, quiet.
I did 11 minutes of conscious breathing in a particular mudra I learned in Kundalini yoga. Then I did 3 minutes of another Kundalini exercise, then 2 minutes of another. (They’re set up to be done in those specific amount of minutes for a reason.) Then I prayed. I sat in silence and focused on my breath, having to redirect my thoughts constantly as they habitually tried pulling me out of the moment and into the “future”, which isn’t even a real thing.
Where did I learn that?
Well that’s where the positive comes in, I learned that from other people. Yes we live in a mad world, but nature still balances itself out. As part of the world grew into a mental asylum in the last few years, another part became ascended as fuck.
Some are friends, shoutouts to Chelsea/Radha Geet, some are people like Lorie Ladd and Remington Donovan, some are people like Guru Jagat (Rest In Peace) and the family at RAMA, some are people like Joe Dispenza, and some of it is just simply observing and listening to myself.
Recognizing that in a world where I so badly want to participate in to help others, be it through music or blogging or podcasting or whatever, a space where I know I have a lot to contribute and often get frustrated when I don’t have the space to “get it out”- it can drive you crazy. There’s this sense of urgency with everything that’s going on on this planet, wanting to cover all of it, and also needing to tend to my inner mission (music) which deals in expression around that, but also the mission of immortalizing my friends in putting their legacy into sound frequency, and telling their/our stories. There are so many lessons that the living can learn from their stories, and their passing. Their value and gifts to the world do NOT end just because they are no longer in their vessels.
When I spin out like that, I become ineffective because I don’t know where to direct my energy-its too much noise, not enough signal- I spoke on that concept (Signal vs. Noise) while I was vlogging in my music telegram channel on my 5 day drive in moving across the country. (https://t.me/tesstamonamusic)
Then there’s that in itself, I just moved across the country by myself and have lost several people very close to me in the last few months. Before that I was already struggling, but to have lost someone I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with at one point, to have lost the person who was my first love and someone I was with starting at the age of 14, someone I lived with at that young of an age too, and grew up with, that fucked me up more than I could have ever imagined. It felt like the entire timeline of my life disappeared into nothingness and I stood on the edge of a void- darkness in front of me, and my entire history erased. That’s what can happen when you share that much of your life’s journey with someone and then they die suddenly. The brain doesn’t know how to process that- or at least mine didn’t.
I had my own experience. I’ll admit that in the two months following Dylan’s death I really don’t remember much. I wasn’t “here”. I do remember him in my dreams, but life stopped. I’ve lost many people I love to tragic circumstances, more than I can count, but nothing hit like that one did, and most people did not understand that. Every death is different. A family member hits different than a friend, a friend hits different than a best friend, a soul mate and love of your life hits different than anything. Luckily I do not have any kids, as I’d imagine that would be the most horrific to experience losing.
So I need to show up for myself. There’s so much noise in the world. There’s a sense of urgency to want to participate in everything, to make use of who the fuck I am and also to get out of the perpetual season of survival that I’ve been in for 8 years and get into the chapter of LIVING, of thriving, so how to navigate that?
I know everyones life circumstances are different, we all have challenges we face, and we also have dope shit in our lives too. It’s a sliding scale for sure, I’m baffled at people who seem to always be doing great and never have any speedbumps, but we are all in different seasons. Nature is never in a state of linear consistency- it has seasons, it ebbs and flows, it manifests and functions differently during different times for different purposes. Its funny how we expect ourselves to do the opposite- to be in a constant state of “ON” and in maximum productiveness. Or maybe that’s just me, who knows, but its not natural and it’s pretty crazy making. So how to be effective?
I have to eliminate noise, because at this moment I can’t even think clearly. I have to have signal, and that signal comes from within. It also comes from the universe, I often receive it either by intuition, numbers, or strange occurrences that make sense to me but are hard to explain- all I I can say is we are energetic beings constantly emitting a frequency, and we live in a universe composed of energy and frequency which carries data, and whatever we are putting out, whether conscious of it or not, we are always in an exchange with our environment. The universe talks back, its a matter of cutting out the bullshit racket the matrix makes and being able to tap into that. It is always within us, but one has to detach from their own mental programming, chatter and stories in order to hear it.
Easier said than done, but absolutely possible and something I strive for every day.
So I show up to just breathe in silence. Sit in silence. Ignore technology. Now I’m writing. Maybe it’ll help someone experiencing similar things, that’s always the goal- to add value to the stream of life. This blog is a bit weird, it makes you jump through strange hoops to leave comments, but I can’t be posting long form shit like this on instagram and I don’t really want to deal with social media today to be honest. But I’ll ask anyway and you can respond however you can figure out, its not hard to get ahold of me on whatever channel you’re reading this on. How do you show up for yourself?
Kundalini yoga, silence, taking the time to work on my voice, make music, be in nature, exercise, shit theres a Muay Thai class tonight that I’ll probably go to just to shake this energy out of me and continue with the healing process of my body (currently 20 lbs underweight due to the health issues I’ve mentioned above) those are all forms of showing up. Journaling is too, prayer, sometimes saying no or telling people to fuck off is also a way of showing up, and other times setting your own shit aside and showing up for someone else in a time of crisis or struggle is the way to go.
I used to find great solace in going to 12 step meetings, as I’ve been sober and in recovery for over 12 years, but I’ll be honest- in the last handful of years, it’s been very hard for me to connect in those programs. I don’t know why. Something clicked after I had a certain experience a number of years back, and I haven’t been the same since. Certain things that used to resonate with me don’t anymore. Words that once held weight now feel empty or inauthentic, it often feels like we’re rowing our boats in circles only talking about the problem, never the solution. Or the solution will come across as really narrow and dogmatic and boxed in, not allowing for the complexities of life to be addressed. That’s something I’ll continue navigating, and it used to be really helpful, but sometimes we outgrow things and need to walk a different path when it comes to tending to our mental and spiritual condition. I’m still not sure where that road is for me, but I walk nevertheless.
We live in a fast world. A loud world. As Klaus Schwab likes to say, “a very angry world”, I’ll withhold my onslaught of comments as to why I believe he’s set the ball rolling on so much of that, but I do agree. And we also need to take accountability for the fact that when we live at such an unconscious level, and are so easily manipulated and thrown into extreme emotions based on external stimuli, that’s on us. Because there is a way out of that cycle- the lord of the flies shit is not a good look for any society- its the marker of one that is in its dying days. You can bury your head into your social media apps or your various vices but it won’t stop what’s happening and what’s coming. Hey, even more of a reason to start factoring in showing up for yourself.
Signal is so important. That comes from WITHIN. That cuts through all confusion. That is our internal compass that we were created with. NOTHING can take that from us- except our own self-neglect.
Noise, however, is an energy vampire, a time waster, a distraction, overwhelming, agitating, depressing, the list goes on, and that’s the racket from the outside. Some of it is inevitable, like yes we all have to either find a way to exit the matrix or survive within it, which requires showing up to all kinds of shit, finding various ways to make money to survive within it, as costs of living continue to sore by the day, but wages aren’t, so hey, even more of a reason to tune in and show up for yourself. How can we create a life where we’re not on some frantic hamster wheel all the fucking time? How can we be self-sufficient to where we don’t need to deal with that shit?
There are many ways, and it’s hard for some people to break out of the matrix because if you don’t already know them, it requires time and energy to learn them, and if you’re someone with a billion obligations and your time is maxed out, well thats the game right there. It’s hard to break out of the matrix. But it is possible. Whether you’re working a job 60 hrs/week that you hate and still barely paying the bills and exhausted 24/7, or you’re living on the street without a cent to your name and have no fucking clue how to bounce back from the circumstances you’re in, the answers to how to liberate ourselves and be in our natural state of being- sovereign, creative, undomesticated, free- they’re all within. They look different for everyone.
Right now I think the answer for me is to heavily narrow my focus and really consider what is motivating my urge to take certain actions before I take them, and eliminate ones that aren’t necessary. Things need to get simplified if my mental state is chaotic like this. Silence is important. I don’t know what will come from this or where I’ll go from there. But I’d be interested to hear what works for you guys.
Do you find that being on a routine/schedule works best for you, or do you find that constricting/putting you in a state of auto-pilot? I’ve heard and experienced both. Above all, how do you show up for yourself? What do you do to tap in with your own signal, when the noise of this world is so loud? What do you do to stand in a higher frequency, to connect with the universe, to operate from your highest self in this world? What do you do when the mind is a hurricane and you trust no one? Who do you turn to then?
“You came into this world by your muthafuckin self and you’re leaving this world by your fuckin self— your ability to be successful depends on your ability to be appropriately selfish- meaning you gotta learn how to say NO.”
Words from a master astrologer I’ve worked with that have never left me. If you’re a person who is completely self obsessed or narcissistic that obviously doesn’t apply to you, but if youre someone who is on the more empathic or even co-dependent side and habitually gives more than they receive from an energetic standpoint, those are wise words. I’ll leave it with that. There comes a time in ones life where you gotta realize you have to trust and be your own ally, you are the savior you’re looking for. We all are. And in order to create a new world where we all support one another in equal exchange, we have to be able to do that for ourselves before we can provide that flavor of attentiveness to anyone else- otherwise we burn out, get resentful, get caught up in fucked up situations, the list goes on. End of rant- I gotta go take care of my business and get my money up before this trip. We’ll see where the universe takes things today. I’ll be seeking Signal and dodging noise, to the best of my abilities. I hope the same for you.
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